Song sounds better with headphones (at least in my experience).
It's reached that point again where I'm feeling numb. I don't know how to be any more, I don't know why I bother. Why is there so much of a fight in me when it's that fight that gets me hurt? Why do I work so hard for things that don't work as hard back?
I've never tried so hard in my life to be somebody's hero. I'm hit with a concrete wall. My heart is wide open, and no one cares enough to fill in the gaps. The moment I feel safe, and I let my guard down is the very moment when I realise why I put those guards up in the first place.
I miss being happy. Happy without a catch, without a price, without the worry of when the next big thing is going to go wrong.
People used to tell me that I'm a strong person, yet they have no idea the battles I face each day.
I cry every day.
I didn't used to.
I used to just cut the pain out of me.
Now, I cry.
I have a panic attack every time I have to go to work. Before and after.
I have to fight the urge to stave myself whenever someone hurts me.
It's so much easier to control my diet and working out patterns than it is to control the pain people throw at me.
I feel isolated, and closed off.
Bad things just keep happening, and people take out their frustrations around me.
I don't understand why these people question why I believe I'm cursed, when that's the very reason as to why I feel as though I am.
I hate smiling.
I hate being happy.
It reveals my insecurities to the core.
It leaves me vulnerable.
People know that they can hurt me when I leave myself open by revealing any joy.
I have to smile at work, I'm in a customer faced role.
It drains me so much.
I get compliments on my smile, and how sincere it looks because my eyes sparkle when I do so.
My eyes stopped sparkling now, the smile is forged.
I'm just not happy.
And I have no one to talk to about it.
I'm scared, and alone, and I don't know how to cope.
My looks keep getting commented on lately.
I'm told I look tired, and 'past it', and fat.
I feel so insecure about myself.
I personally don't care how another looks - the personality shines through.
But when people tell me I look ugly, I begin to feel I mustn't be a good person because if I am then why isn't it shining through?
I don't know how to be.
I don't know why I'm here.
I don't know why I try.
I recently went to a public function, where my physical boundaries were breached, and it caused me to have a panic attack.
I didn't feel supported.
To make it worse, the person I expected to support me, went to pose in pictures with the person who had breached my personal space.
It sounds silly, but it really hurt. More than anything.
You know how in High School, or even at University, how you have a set friend, who pretends to be your best friend? But as soon as one of the popular kids comes along and hurts you, they pretend it's no big deal, and then turns around and becomes their friend, and insults you for having ever felt hurt by the way this popular kid treated you? Your 'best friend' ditches you in order to get higher up on the pecking order. It felt like that. It felt like every thing I'd worked hard to get out of was there haunting me again. I kept to myself at School, and that was why.
I spent nights thinking there was something wrong with me.
That I'd let my friend down by having a panic attack.
That I'd let my friend down for not being okay with someone touching me.
But I spoke to someone about it, who knew these same people that were at the work function. Before I even spoke about what had happened at this function, they told me that they had always experienced rude behaviour when having gone out with them. It had ended with her having an argument with them because she was sick of being looked over and having her partner spoken to, whilst she was treated as though she wasn't there. The girl I was talking to about having gone to this function is a lot more vocal than me, a lot more robust. She put them in their place, and they apologised.
I wish I was as vocal as she is.
I just sat there when I was treated rudely and cried, hiding my face even further from the world.
The most notable thing is that it wasn't a secluded function, it wasn't just for those people and their plus ones, it really was open to the public. Yet, me, a person of the public, felt truly cast out.
On reflection, I have felt the urge to message directly the people that hurt me, but for the sake of my friend that I went with I have not.
Though, I wish I could.
The feeling of being cast out has not gone away.
It's causing major trust issues for me.
I lack the feeling of safety.
I feel like my friendship has meant nothing to this friend if I'm at all honest.
Yet, I've still bent over trying to accommodate my friend. Putting their needs before my own. (Hence why I never messaged the person who upset me).
I've tried to reach out to them when they've been going through a difficult time, only to have it thrown back in my face. To have everything I've said twisted and taken in the completely opposite direction.
I've been doing nothing but putting myself last, despite my own problems.
And it still hasn't been enough.
The urge to perform, to act, or to sing publicly has gone.
I'm too afraid, more than ever go to another public gathering.
I'm too frightened to keep revealing myself emotionally. I daren't sing anything that is remotely uplifting because I fear it will leave me vulnerable.
Unhappiness, misery, and depression is taking over.
I don't think I can get myself out of this one now.
I've always had to pull myself up.
And I've had no help to do so.
And I'm so tired, so exhausted of having to be so strong all the time. I don't want to be my own hero any more. I'm constantly trying to be other people's saviours, but where on Earth is mine?
I've literally not done anything besides try to be there for other people. And it gets me hurt.
It's in my nature to care, why are people so desperate to strip that away?
My life isn't the worst out there. But lately I've been fighting a losing battle to want to continue it.
I look at other people, and their families. Even those who come from 'broken' homes still have relatives, and siblings, and friends. I miss my sister. I miss what she pretended to be. I miss the feeling of having a best friend that I could just rant to, who would just hug me and care. Though it was all an act, it felt real. And that feeling I remember more than anything. It's going to be the destruction of me.
I wish I had relatives I could turn to. I don't.
I've moved around from school to school, area to area growing up. I've learnt the hard, lonely way that people don't stick around. People don't care, it's all just a popularity game.
People did like 'me' once. When I was pretending to be something I'm not. I lied about my interests, I used to flirt with everyone. I didn't care about hurting others. And that's when people liked me. It's stupid, so ridiculously stupid that people could like a version of me that was a complete dick. Yet, won't like the version of me that is actually true to who I am. They perceive kindness as a weakness. I think they're right, because being kind has gotten me hurt. And maybe people don't want to be around hurt people.
Everyone leaves, and I've learnt the hard way that no one stays.
I'm too afraid to ever smile again.
What do I do?
Why do people keep leaving? What is it that is so wrong with me?
Why do I not have any light, or good in me?
Everybody keeps leaving.
Please stop.
