I'm literally in this state of self blame for everything that goes bad around me. I feel worthless and pathetic, whilst at the same time trying to kick myself back up off the ground and remind myself that I am indeed an amazing person who can beat this. But, alas it isn't that simple.
I think a part of this comes from keeping things pent up. When someone just leaves you, and blames you for everything that went wrong in their life, like making mistakes at work, not seeing their friends, etc, it really does destroy your self worth and any ideals that you're not actually a bad person. I have spent months thinking that I'm this control freak, who's 'too clingy', or 'too bossy', or 'too clever', but not that's wrong. I really want to just scream at the person that hurt me, but they're too hurt themselves, and I don't want to add to that. As stupid as that is. I'm holding all this anger in and taking it out on myself.
When, no, I am a fucking cool ass person. I do things wrong, and I act wrongly sometimes, but I genuinely tend to grow through it. I can't stand how someone has literally just left me through a text, and continued to blame me for everything that went wrong. When I wasn't even aware that anything was wrong in the first place. Sure, I called him up on the lying, but instantly, I was blamed for that. 'I only lied to you to spare your feelings'. Shit to the Bull. Lying is what hurts me, and there's clearly a bad sign when someone's feeling the need to lie. I get the average use of lying, but when someone is literally just standing there lying straight to my face. It kinda becomes sorta manipulative and almost sociopathic. To actually catch someone deleting their texts or messages and pretend that they haven't just done that is completely insulting to me and my intelligence.
When I call someone out on their hurting of me, I do it in the same way I would a friend. As in, why not respect me enough to be honest? To actually communicate and give things a chance. Instead, I'm thrown in this turmoil where I'm told that it's a good thing I'm a fighter, so I'm fighting for a guy, that knows I'm fighting for him, but doesn't relay that favour back to me. I understand with any amount of joy, there's a large amount of hurt that comes with it. Because after all it doesn't hurt, if there isn't love. But when that person still pulls away from you, but keeps you there on a thread, it's really confusing.
It gets even more confusing when whilst you were with that person, they literally opened up so much of the world, and made you grow and learn more things than you ever thought you were capable of. It feels like they complete you, they push you to do better, remind you of your light, your strength, your loyalty, etc. But then one day they turn around and tell you that you make them feel stupid every time you talk about something in a passionate manner because they can't keep up. So you compromise and drop having such conversations, but whenever you get excited about something you're knowledgeable about you're made to feel bad for even knowing what you know. I literally hide myself away, afraid of being a disappointment to the people around me, to myself.
Because honestly, these down moments seem more common than the up ones, or at least they're the ones that people concentrate on the most.
But whatever, without the negative, there's no positive right? And I think in a roundabout way being so open about my emotions, makes me hella positive, because at least I'm not hiding. And I know that I'm getting through this, because for once I'm revealing my emotions, I'm not bottling it in and doing reckless things. And though, I feel ultimately alone and constantly battling through negative thoughts about myself. At least I'm still fighting, and fighting is all I'm left to do. But it's what makes me stronger. It's what makes me learn, and it's what makes me grow ^_^
